Resilience is the gift 2020 gave me
dress: smash and tess https://smashtess.ca/collections/dresses/products/the-jane-dress-in-playful-pearl
someone also please remind me to clean my mirror.
I had a rough day yesterday. I decided to turn off, lay in bed and have a me day. I watched hours of Gossip Girl and ate pizza from my favourite pizza place. Didn’t look at my phone and just took the time to feel my emotions. At first I felt guilty. I told myself I needed to be productive, I should be doing something, cleaning something or at least trying this new trend of stripping my clothes. But instead I ate 5 slices of pizza and went to bed at 7pm. And you know what? Thats okay.
2020 hasn’t been my year, in fact, I am pretty confident that it hasn’t been anyones. The coles notes from 2020 for me go something like this: started it off with surgery after breaking my arm in 4 places, next my mom passed away, then Bryces grandma, corona virus which lead to us changing our wedding plans, and yesterday one my favourite Uncles passed away. So yesterday I needed a timeout.
I woke up this morning in a much better place. A place where I was able to see what this year has given me. Resilience, and better ways of coping.
If I had a year like this even three years ago I would of fallen back into unhealthy patterns, would of drank too much, would of ostracized those who were kind to me, and wouldn’t of had the coping skills to know that its okay and probably really healthy to just take a time out for a day. I wouldn’t of gotten out of bed at 5 am today to go for a run because thats what my body was asking me to do. I would have been hungover, started my day with a bad attitude and not been able to reflect like I am doing right now. In this moment right now I am so incredibly proud of how I have learned to cope and work through my feelings. I am blown away by my resilience. This is something new for me.
I used to always hear people taking about resilience and would of always told you I was a resilient person, I could always get over toughness or difficult situations. I could laugh them off, stuff them away and frankly not deal with how I was feeling. Not talking about how I really felt or plastering on a fake smile and telling everyone around me that I was great was how I coped. I thought it worked for me. This tough as nails girl who never let anything effect her on the outside while I was slowly losing who I was on the inside. WRONG! This wasn’t resilience, this was denial.
In fact I remember about 6 years ago, I had another uncle pass away, this uncle meant the world to me, he was kind, strong, caring, and always made me feel so special. The day my dad called me to let me know he had passed I immediately left work, drove to a bar and drowned my sorrows in bourbon. I didn’t deal with how I felt, I didn’t greave his loss, I just turned off how I was feeling and drank old fashions until 2 am. It wasn’t until years later in a therapy session when I was talking about influential people in my life that I truly took the time to stop and reflect on how much his death effected me. When he passed I just moved on, like this man didn’t exist in my life for 26 years. I pushed it away, went on a bender to numb the pain and never let myself greave. That was a prime example of how I dealt with everything. Fold it up, pack it away, and move on, like it never happened. If it didn’t happen, I didn’t have to deal with it.
I believe that resilience and denial are closely related and are often confused for each other. Denial always helped me move through things quickly by not unpacking them, not dealing with how I felt, and not moving through the emotions that I needed to. I cannot even express how many times I said “i’m fine” in that high pitched I am totally not fine voice. People would praise me and tell me how strong I was being able to move on and not let things affect me, until one day when I would explode over nothing and have a full blown breakdown and wouldn’t be able to explain to you why.
Bring in resilience. I believe that the biggest thing from resilience is that you unpack your feelings, your fears, and most of all your learnings from any one experience to help you better prepare and learn from a situation. Resilience is like denials big sister in my world. That wise sister that you look up to that always has the answer or great advice on how to style an outfit, or mend a broken heart. Resilience has matured and has life experience. Now as I have said many times, its okay to not be okay, and I think that that is resilience. I believe its okay to have a day where you lay in bed in your pajamas and unpack your feelings. Go through the emotions, share how you feel in whatever way works best for you, and set yourself up for a better day tomorrow. Resilience to me is taking that next step to remember that you can get through anything! That everything and every experience you go through in life helps you become the person you are, it helps you build compassion, understanding, and strength.
2020 may have been a dumpster fire of a year, but I can honestly say from every not so optimal experience that 2020 has thrown at me, I have come out stronger, with better skills to navigate the tough parts of life. I have learnt that I can handle a lot. That I am stronger today than I was yesterday (did anyone else just start singing Brittany Spears?) and that I have become someone who I am incredibly proud of. 2020 has led me to become a pro in the resilience department and for that I am grateful.