New Year, Same Me.
First and foremost, I have done a crap job of keeping up with posting on my blog. Its funny because this is an outlet I really love, but let’s be honest that last push of 2020 really took it out of me. But here we are! New year, same me!
I want to congratulate every single one of you for making it thorough this last year. It was by far the hardest, most challenging year I have ever faced and I feel like most people are in the same boat. But we did it! And that deserves a serious round of applause.
New years resolutions are something I always used to set in the past. They were a way for me to pick myself apart and decide what things I needed to change to become the “best” version of myself. It has taken me years to fully understand and believe that there is nothing I need to change. I am who I am, and that is someone I am so proud to be. My New Years resolutions used to always surround weight loss, I am sure that is no surprise to anyone. They ranged from new diet trends, to cutting out sugar and carbs, one year I went as far as buying $500 worth of diet supplements - I was convinced that was the best way to stop hating who I was.
About a year and a half ago (after about 10 months of a few fad diet every month) I realized that it wasn’t my weight that was going to change my life, it was how I was looking at my life and treating/talking to myself. I knew that if I wanted to truly love myself (which I honestly think that is all that any of us want) I needed to love every version of myself. That was the day I put on a pair of shorts and walked out of my house and thought to hell with what anyone thinks of me. It was a wild ride for the rest of that year, I had ups and downs, but I never went on a diet again.
Come 2020, it felt weird to not set resolutions, but I cant even begin to tell you the freedom I felt when I broke the cycle of standing in front on a mirror picking myself apart and crying at my own reflection. New years day 2020 was one of the most liberating days I had felt in honestly my entire life. There was a moment that day (and I remember it so clearly) when I was sitting on bed reflecting on how far I had come last few months and I just started crying. It wasn’t one of those sad cries that I was used to on Jan 1 of any year, it was a happy cry. I felt like a new person, I didnt recognize that girl who was so mean to herself, who criticized everything she did and never felt like enough. I was 100% in love with the person that I had/have become.
Fast forward to this year. That girl who picks her self apart is a distant memory, she isn’t forgotten and sometimes I feel her creep back up (we all have those inner saboteurs - one of the many lessons I have learned from drag race) but I now acknowledge her, say hello, and remind her that we dont need to spend our energy in that place anymore.
This year I took a different path. I set intentions and set goals for myself. I picked words that defined my purpose of this year. Words and goals that excite me and even more goals that are helping me set my self up for my ten year goals. I feel so refreshed going into this year. I feel driven, and I feel like I am ready to take it all on.
Its been a challenge for me to goal set in the past, I would sabotage myself, I wouldn’t let me self dream big, I would tell myself that my goals are too lofty, who was I to have so much ambition? I spent the last year really working on my mindset. Identifying the moments when when I would question myself and try to dissect where those feelings really came from. I learnt that those feelings came form a fear of failing. Failure was always such a big road block for me. Failure is what I was scared of most. How could I keep hyping others up and be the best version of myself if I had failure in my track record. I now look at failure differently, I look at it as a the best time to learn what you really want, to learn the most about myself, and to learn what I am capable of. Failure can be a really beautiful thing, it tests you, refocuses you, and teaches you grit.
I am in a place now where I know the only person who owns of determines my future is me. I believe the old saying, if you can dream it you can do it, and let me be the first to tell you - my dreams are big! It took me 33 years to fully believe in myself. 33 years to know that I am the only person in control of my path, and the only person who can get in my own way.
I know its bad juju, but I am doing it, I am declaring this year as my year! And I am beyond excited to take you all on the wild ride with me!
xox