Its okay to not be okay

Disclaimer: This post isn’t about fashion, it isn’t really about self love or body confidence, but it is about what I am feeling today, and where I am at in this moment.

Obviously we are all aware of the craziness that is going on right now, essentially we have been put into a government mandated time out - told to sit and think about our actions and told to not leave our house unless we need food. This hasn’t been all bad, I mean, I found the time to start this blog because of it. I’ve read more, i’ve cooked more, i’ve taken the time to appreciate the little things. The one big thing that it did ruin for me was my big brothers trip home.

My brother lives in Waterloo and had planned a trip home to be here for today specifically. Today is my moms birthday. Today is the first birthday we have had since she passed away. We had made plans to go for afternoon tea, to drink her favourite wine, eat her favourite dinner, then play games and simply enjoy each others company. Instead we will zoom call for an hour or so, and then spend this day apart.

Now I know things could be much worse, and I know this is just another day and I will get through it, but today I choose to not be okay. I choose to move a little slower today, to ignore my phone if I need too, I choose to cry as many times as my body and brain want too.

My mom lost her battle with lung cancer in January - it was a long fight and she fought as hard as she could. Her goal was always to make it to my wedding this coming July. We knew that was a stretch but she always aimed high. My mom was such a little spitfire, she was 5’2’ of attitude in the best possible way. She was funny, she was kind, she was sassy and she was opinionated. My mom is the reason I am who I am today. She nurtured me when I needed it, but she pushed me when I needed it more. She had a love of fashion (however, we have very different ideas about what fashion is) and an even deeper love of shopping. Until her dying day that woman was buying things online just incase she made it out of the hospital. But the biggest thing my mom taught me, was be unapologetically yourself.

This taught me to stand up for what I believe in, taught me to believe in myself even when others didn’t and more then anything taught me that whoever I was, whatever body I lived in I deserved to be loved, treated with respect and more then anything love myself.

She had this way of being my biggest cheerleader all the time, even when I know whatever situation I had gotten myself into wasn’t her ideal. We were very different people in almost every way - she was proper in every sense of the world. She had this amazing British accent, she was and will always be my definition of grace. But who we are at the core was always so similar, she knew me better than anyone ever will and loved me not matter what. She was an incredible mom.

Needless to say, this woman had a huge impact on my life (I mean after all she was my mom) and I am grateful that we had the relationship we did - something I do not take for granted as I know this isn’t always the case. I am grateful that I had 32 years with her, that we we able to build so many memories that on days like today I will fondly look back at. I think about all the times she could make me laugh without saying anything, all the hugs that just made everything okay in a moment, and all the times she took my underwear shopping when I was having a rough day (her honest answer to bad days was to go buy new underwear, I don’t know why, but its something I still do to this day).

So today I acknowledge that with everything that is going on, its okay to not be okay. It’s okay to move slow, it’s okay to not know what I want, its okay cry or get angry for no reason. Its okay. I know that moving through these anniversaries or even these times we are facing is going to make me more resilient in the long run. It’s going to help me adapt and change and become the best version of myself. I choose to learn from these moments, let myself live in them and feel them whatever way I need too because I know that its all going to be okay. That I will get through this, and that in the end it will make me stronger.

Be kind to yourselves today.